Last summer I went on a second date with a 33 year old woman named Angela. We met up at a popular hike in our city, hugged briefly and proceeded with our trek. In retrospect, suggesting a hike was a poor decision on my part, which I will explain shortly.
During the hike, she mentioned something “life-changing” had happened to her the day before and naturally I asked what it was. It turned out she was referring to a man she had recently met who had taken her on a helicopter ride and out for drinks and dinner. She raved on about him for half the hike which I found mildly irritating, but at the same time I was glad she told me about him since I would not be as surprised if she suddenly disappeared or didn’t seem that interested in me. She said he looked like the type of guy she used to be into -muscled, tattooed and tough looking- but that she thought was trouble. I interpreted this to mean she was very attracted to him because he seemed like a bad boy.
One thing she did mention was that he “had the moves”. She explained how he had casually touched her legs where her jeans were ripped. And when they were watching something he had put her legs on top of his. He held her hand while they were walking around downtown.
I was annoyed that she was talking about her date with another person when we were supposed to be on a date. It felt like we were friends going for a work out together rather than potential partners. We both knew we were chatting with multiple people but I found it rude how she went on and on about how amazing this guy was. I did not tell her details about my other dates. I also did not flirt with her, which was another mistake. We had some good conversation but I left the park that day feeling like I’d had a great work out with a friend rather than a sexual tension-building date.
She did make a great point that touch is very powerful. I’ve often suddenly thought about having sex with a guy who had playfully touched me (like pretend shoulder checked me, or flicked my leg or put his hand on my back briefly), even though it was in a non sexual manner. Or with my girl friends when they are being touchy and flirty while we are at party. Some dating websites call this type of touch “kino”.
That is something I used to not do enough of on dates. I kept it too friendly and then wondered why there wasn’t more of a “spark” between us. I was good at asking the girls questions about themselves, making them laugh sometimes and continuing the conversation when there were pauses. However I didn’t show that I was sexually interested when I was. The only physical contact I initiated was a hug at the beginning and end of dates.
This is why going hiking as a first or second date is a bad idea – it’s harder to casually touch your date or even make extended eye contact without worrying about tripping on the trail. There are usually other people around and so you have to keep the conversation friendly and generally avoid sexual topics. For these reasons I’d suggest holding off on going hiking until after you’ve slept together a few times.
A lot of women are not good at this because we are used to allowing the man to take initiative and then progress things sexually. But if you want to date other women, you have to take initiative. You can’t rely on the other woman to do it even if she is attracted to you as she may be new to dating women as well. Thus if she doesn’t make a move you are unlikely to become anything more than friends. Of course it can be nerve-wracking to make a move on a woman but without risk there is no reward, right?
It is fine and appropriate to start out friendly and chat about non-sexual things in the first half of the first date. But ideally if you are attracted to this woman you want to demonstrate it. Half an hour or so into the date, try to steer the conversation onto sexual topics. For example, has she been dating recently? What type is she into? What makes her not like someone? What makes her instantly into someone?
Try to sit side by side, or at least on the same side of the table at a bar or restaurant. If you’ve been seated across from each other, don’t panic. Have some friendly conversation for the first 15-20 minutes into the date, then find an excuse to sit next to her. For example, “remember” something funny you saw that you just have to show her on your phone. Then when you’ve made a joke or are lightly teasing her, you can lightly poke or punch her arm Or you can squeeze her leg near the knee in anticipation of your food or drinks coming or while people-watching to point out somebody doing something amusing or interesting.
Here are some examples of kino you can work into a date:
- As mentioned above, if she is wearing ripped jeans, compliment her jeans and trace your fingers along her leg in the ripped parts.
- If you’re chatting about something and learn it’s a coincidence you’re both into the same artists or agree wholeheartedly on the same issue or whatever, you can put your hand on her arm for a few seconds and say “oh my god, me too!” or “I completely agree” while making direct eye contact
- If she is wearing a bracelet or ring, take her hand to look at it and compliment it.
- If she has a tattoo on her arm, take her arm or hand to look at it
- If she said she works out, jokingly ask her to flex for you. Or if she said she did abs, say something like “let me see” and push against her stomach with your hand or you can pretend to lightly punch her like a boxer.
- If she is wearing cool earrings, brush her hair back and compliment them.
- While talking, touch her hair for a bit. Tell her you love her curls or admire how sleek and shiny her hair is.
The key is to do these casually. Don’t talk about what you’re doing. Don’t leave your hand on her arm or leg for too long. Just touch her and keep chatting as you were. Just a few seconds is all it takes. We women also have the added advantage over men that we are less likely to be viewed as creepy when we are playfully touching another woman. It may feel awkward and slightly forced the first few times you try it, but keep going and pay attention to the way she responds. If she is leaning away, you are either overdoing it or she may not be that into you. If she is leaning in and responds by touching you back, then you are doing great!
I’m not sure how things would have gone with Angela had we done something else for a second date and I’d flirted with her and touched her. Our first date was pretty good. We met for coffee and had a good chat, during which I told her she was super cute and she said the same for me. There was a bit of contact when we touched arms to emphasize points in conversation. However it sounded like she was looking for a rich person to take care of her so I doubt we would have ended up dating anyway.