I think this situation is more common than we think when we’re attracted to girls but also have a lot of female friends.
I can’t remember exactly how I became friends with Brianna. I met her at the gym, where she worked at the front desk. I recognized her from the recreational soccer league we had both played in. She’s a gorgeous blonde, tall and slim with big blue eyes and a contagious smile. I was going to the gym twice a day to rehabilitate a knee injury. The stationary bike was boring but I looked forward to seeing Brianne whenever she was working. She always said hi to me with a big smile and asked how my day was as I scanned in. Even though I was bummed about my injury, I remember smiling back and feeling just a little bit better chatting with her. One day she suggested we go on a bike ride once I was off my crutches.
We did start hanging out when I could walk (and dance!) again. At first it was only once every few weeks – she would invite me over to her apartment for a girls night with her other friends and we’d go out to a club. Or we’d do a yoga class together. Or work out at the gym. I then invited her to join my volleyball team with some other friends.
Pretty soon we started hanging out almost every weekend. Despite our five year age difference we connected really well. We were both into working out, sports, going out dancing or to parties and talking about guys.
Brianna gets very flirty when she’s drinking. Often when we were dancing at a club by ourselves, she would grind up against me or hold my waist closely while swaying to the music. I usually responded by dancing up on her or grabbing her and twirling her around. She grins at me and locks eyes with me for a few moments. That look combined with her going back to caressing my waist or thighs as we’re dancing turns me on and makes me lose any desire to meet guys that night.
At house parties, she would sometimes come over and give me a long hug, kiss me on the cheek and say things like “I am so lucky to have a best friend like you!” and “I can’t believe how hot my best friend is”. Then we would start talking about something while still holding each other and she’s giving me that look. We even made out a few times at bars when we were drunk. It’s hard to not fall for her. I found myself staying out later at parties or bars hoping to have some alone time with her.
Because I had a huge crush on Brianna, it really stung when she flirted with other girls in front of me, or when she made one-on-one plans with them, or commented in front of me how cute they were. I knew she didn’t owe me anything, and we were just friends so obviously she could have other friends.
I even felt jealous of some of the guys she dated or hooked up with. She was into party guys that were never particularly intelligent or ambitious, just charming and skilled at having a good time. Sometimes we’d get ready for a party together and I’d feel very close to her but then at the party she’d spend most of the night chatting with guys and leave me to meet people by myself. It annoyed me but I never admitted that to her because I didn’t want to come off as a whiner.
The hardest part was the contrast of how special I felt when it was just the two of us versus how it felt like we were distant friends when we were in a group. She got distracted so easily and loved the attention of new people.
Despite her annoying behaviour at parties, I was still attracted to her. I knew she found me attractive too so I thought if the mood and timing were right we might end up hooking up.
One night after the bar, Brianna invited me to come over and watch a movie with her and her boyfriend at the time, Will. The three of us joked around and did accents in the cab ride to their place. Once we got there, Brianna got a bottle of wine and brought it to the bedroom where we all lay on the bed while Will searched for a movie to watch. Brianna put her legs over mine, and I lightly started stroking her thigh. Will joked that he was going to put on some great porn. Brianna glared at him and he replied he was kidding and found a comedy instead. We started tickling him after some other comment he made and soon both of them were tickling me. Will was pretty cute but I was mainly excited by being in the same bed as Brianna.
Will abruptly fell asleep and Brianna and I were talking while our legs were intertwined on the bed. Her dress was riding up and I could see she was wearing a tiny purple thong. I thought about kissing her when she suddenly got up to vomit in the bathroom. This ruined the mood and I got up and went home.
We did eventually have a threesome together with a future boyfriend of hers (I will write another post about that story as it was a wild night). It was a great time and it wasn’t even awkward the next day when we were all on a boat together. She even talked about doing it again soon. I was certainly down for it.
Getting sexual with her for the first time made me want her more. She was so damn sexy and I didn’t understand why we couldn’t hook up more when we were obviously attracted to each other. I didn’t know how to make it happen. Should I flat out ask her on a date? I didn’t really want her to be my girlfriend though because I didn’t want to risk losing one of my best friends. In addition, she was controlling and jealous in her relationships with guys and I certainly did not want to date someone like that, regardless of how hot she was.
One day last year while we were hiking, she brought up the subject of bisexuality. She said she was attracted to girls and enjoyed making out with a hot girl, but it was different than making out with a hot guy. With a guy, she knew the opportunity for sex was there and so it made her wet making out with him. Whereas with a girl, the idea of having sex with her wasn’t as exciting and so she didn’t necessarily need or want to take it further than making out. She did find it hot to watch her partner fuck a hot girl. However she didn’t want to have sex with the girl one on one. This was very disappointing to hear especially since we’d had sex together with her boyfriend, but it did explain why she was so flirty sometimes but didn’t seem to want to pursue things with me. The truth was she just wasn’t that into girls.
I thought about not being friends with her anymore. After all, I did not want to be like all the guys she has friendzoned who are hopelessly in love with her. They do her favours and buy her drinks and give her compliments in the hopes that she’ll someday want to have sex with them. On the other hand, she is my most fun friend and I’ve had many wild crazy experiences that probably wouldn’t have happened if I was not hanging out with her. I have other friends but they aren’t as spontaneous and wild as Brianna. After much reflection and some trial and error, I’ve come up with some strategies to minimise hurt feelings while still being friends with a girl you have a crush on.
- Ask yourself, if she wasn’t attractive would I still want to hang out with her? The answer is definitely yes as I’ve had fun playing Scrabble, working out, hiking, and travelling with Brianna. If the answer were no, as in she was boring, I would not hang out with her.
- Hang out in groups rather than one on one. I get the benefits of hanging out with Brianna, and other friends, as well as maybe meeting new people. I know she won’t be that flirty with me when we’re with a bunch of mutual friends.
- Play sports or do activities that don’t involve a lot of alcohol. Brianna isn’t flirty when we’re playing tennis together or volleyball. She is good at sports and so we have a great time as platonic friends.
- Avoid doing favors for her that you wouldn’t do for other friends. If you are not someone that helps your friends move or drives out an hour and a half to pick someone up from the bar don’t do it for her. I always think about this whenever Brianna asks me for a favor.
- Avoid paying for her food and drinks (unless you’re taking turns paying). She is not your girlfriend. Hot girls are used to getting a lot of stuff for free. Don’t let her take advantage of you by paying for her stuff. Let her friendzone guys do that.
- If you do end up making out a party, remember it is just for fun. It will never lead to anything more because she is not that attracted to you. We did make out at a party a few weeks ago, and then she ended up going home with a guy. It didn’t faze me though because I knew something like that would happen.
- Maintain other friendships so you are not relying on her alone. If your only friend is one you have a crush on, this will hurt your self-esteem when they don’t feel the same way about you.
- Ask her to join you and your boyfriend for a threesome! OK this one is tricky. Do NOT do this if you are in love with your friend. Do not do this as a favor to your boyfriend if it might stir up strong feelings for your friend. This will only be fun if you think your friend is attractive (and she finds you and your boyfriend attractive) but you aren’t romantically interested in her because you’re very in love with your boyfriend. I’m able to compartmentalize my feelings and thus I’ve had several threesomes with Brianna that have been fun and drama-free. Then the next day we go back to being friends only. I’d say this can be one of the best benefits of having a friend you’re attracted to but proceed with caution!