In the summer of 2015, my 5 year relationship ended. I was devastated even though it was my fault. I started reading a bunch of relationship websites and blogs and one one in particular I really liked. After reading several posts on this blog that encouraged non-monogamy (The Blackdragon Blog, now Alpha Male 2.0), I posted this:
I was happy to stumble upon your blog because it validated my thoughts on open relationships, which most of my peers will not.
I am a 25 year old female and have been with my current boyfriend, who is 32, for over 4 years. We met in university and currently live together. He loves me and wants to get married and have kids with me. I love him too but the thought of settling down and being with one guy for the rest of my life does not appeal to me. He’s a great guy: funny, smart, attractive and objectively speaking would make a good husband (solid income, good communication skills, good with kids, good at fixing things) but I still don’t want to marry him or have kids.
I thought I was crazy because that’s what everyone seems to do – settle down, get married, have kids. My friends are getting married left and right, and while I’m happy for them, marriage and children are not something I’m interested in at this point in my life. My biological clock may chime in at some point but I won’t have children until after I’m 30. I want to travel around the world, further my career and pursue my hobbies.
Originally, when we first started seeing each other we agreed to keep things “open”. I never really took advantage of that other than occasionally making out with random guys at nightclubs and house parties because I was always busy with school work and friends in university. We’re exclusive now and I regret that decision. I wish our relationship was still open because over the last 4 years I’ve learned I do not want to be in a monogamous relationship.
I was faithful to him at first but then 2 years ago I was out of town for work and ended up sleeping with a guy I met at the gym. More recently I have been sleeping with a guy from my soccer team on a semi-regular basis. Not because I’m not sexually satisfied by my boyfriend (on the contrary – he is great in bed) but because I want to fuck other guys. I still want to be with him but not be monogamous with him. I love flirting with guys, going dancing, going out with them (not for the free food!) and having sex with them. I want to sleep with whoever I want.
I agree with you when you say women who don’t want a monogamous relationship are rare, but I am one of these women. I wouldn’t call myself a “Blackdragonette” or “BeeDee” because I do not need to rely on men for money, and would prefer not to. I made over $100,000 before taxes last year so I can support myself and my hobbies quite easily. I agree with your philosophy in that we should pursue happiness and avoid unhappiness and drama. Basically, I want to spend my time furthering my career, spending time with friends, travelling, playing sports and doing other hobbies. I don’t want to be tied down with kids and a mortgage*.
After reading this blog, I’ve decided I’m going to talk to him about re-opening our relationship. That is the only way I could continue to be with him. I’d be very surprised if he agreed to it as all of his past relationships have all been monogamous and he is the one who originally wanted to get monogamous. But it’s worth a try and if it doesn’t work I will move on.
About a year later, another commenter asked me how things were going with my relationship, to which I replied:
The last time I posted here was about this time last year. Since you asked, here is what happened since then…
I did pitch the idea of re-opening our relationship to my boyfriend at the time (we’ll call him Paul) but as expected, he was not enthusiastic about it. I explained that I believed we wanted different things in life and perhaps it was best we part ways. He was sad to hear that, but agreed that we should break up soon. I admit I should have been stronger and broken up with him then and then but I had just gotten back from a couple weeks in Europe and missed him. Thus we prolonged our relationship further, even celebrated our 5th year anniversary in June. We both agreed we would break up, just not at the moment.
Unfortunately less than a week later, Paul found out about the guy I was sleeping with from my soccer team (we’ll call him Nate). Needless to say, he was very upset and felt betrayed. I moved out that afternoon.
I do regret cheating on him for so long. He was a good guy overall and I should have broken things off sooner to avoid hurting him like that. The following couple weeks were filled with feelings of guilt and regret.
Then we started hooking up again. The sex was very hot – like what it was like when we first starting sleeping together in university. The only downside was that after, he’d ask me what I was doing and what I wanted from him. I didn’t have much to say other than I enjoyed his company and I enjoyed having sex with him. He even helped me settle into my new apartment.
Eventually he did break things off for good, saying he loved me too much to continue seeing me when I didn’t feel the same way about him. I did not know how to reply to that as I did still love him, but did not desire him enough to not get sexual with other people. That, and I found our life together had become a bit boring.
I was sad but moved on and promised myself I would never cheat on anyone again. I continued seeing Nate from the soccer team and am still seeing him.
Nate and I have a great thing going because we’re not exclusive. I’ve learned from my prior relationship that I can’t be in a monogamous relationship. He’s not looking for one either because he was also previously in a relationship a few years prior where he moved in with a girl and things went downhill. Also, he says he’s scarred from seeing his friends get divorced and lose a lot of money
Being in an open relationship is awesome. Nate and I both understand that even though we like each other, we are sometimes attracted to other people. We even had a threesome with another girl on our soccer team! (It was supposed to be a foursome with another guy on the team but he changed his mind at the last minute).
It was hard at first but I am so glad I got out of my monogamous relationship. I’m happier now, because I’m free and I can do whatever I want! No more sneaking around and hiding text messages. I can now have guilt-free sex with other guys, which I have definitely taken advantage of. I also have more time to go out with my girl friends and focus on my job.
After that, I knew I could never be in a monogamous relationship again as I would either eventually become unhappy and feel trapped or I would deeply hurt my partner by being unfaithful. This is why I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship since the summer of 2015.
*I do now have a mortgage, but certainly don’t regret it.
Everything is very open with a really clear description of the challenges. It was definitely informative. Your site is very helpful. Many thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much for the feedback!
Can I just say what a comfort to uncover somebody who really knows what they are talking about on the web. You actually know how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More and more people really need to look at this and understand this side of your story. Its surprising youre not more popular given that you definitely have the gift.
Thank you, I appreciate you saying that. I think a lot of people struggle with monogamy but society makes us believe that is the goal and we should be grateful.
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The very next time I read a blog, Hopefully it does not fail me as much as this particular one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read through, but I actually thought you would probably have something interesting to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something that you can fix if you were not too busy searching for attention.
That is what most people would say until they come across this situation themselves. I appreciate your comment anyway and I know I am fortunate enough to have choice in who I am with unlike many women in other countries:)
I want to to thank you for this very good read!! I certainly enjoyed every little bit of it. I have got you book-marked to check out new stuff you postÖ
I appreciate that, thank you!