Many of us have been there. We get some matches and start chatting with a few people simultaneously. We go on several dates in a week and don’t connect with a single person. So we go back on the app and continue chatting with others. Some guys are so charming online, and so attractive! But when you meet him in person they look nothing like their photos or they can’t hold up their end of the conversation. Another disappointment.
After enough of these experiences a lot of us want to give up on online dating altogether. However we should not forget it is also not easy to meet guys and girls in real life. Your friend group might be older and everyone is coupled up but you. Your workplace may be full of older people who are married, or maybe you’d rather not date anyone at work (which I think is smart). Unless you have a large friend group full of single people or you work in an environment where you are constantly meeting new attractive people, you will struggle in real life too. You might get tired of your friends trying to set you up.
But I would urge you not to give up yet! Let me point out some advantages to online dating.
The 4 Main Benefits of Online Dating
- No need to approach in person. This is especially helpful for shy men who are otherwise great people and would make great partners but cannot bring themselves to approach women. We women are lucky because men are more likely to approach us, however maybe we don’t like the men that do approach us and want to connect with others. Shy women who would never approach a guy in real life can also make the first move online.
- You will meet people you would not have in day to day life. I have personal experience with this one. I met a very attractive, genuine, sweet guy I dated for 3 years on Tinder. We both loved tennis, going hiking and trying new restaurants. We liked the same types of shows on TV. We got along with each other’s families. But we never would have met in person. He never went to bars with friends and didn’t approach girls when out walking his dogs in the city. You could say maybe we would have met at the tennis court but I always came to play with a friend and he so did he. It’s not common for people playing tennis to switch partners after a game.
- You can connect with large numbers of people in less time. More isn’t always better but when looking for a future partner, I believe meeting a lot of people is the way to go. If you don’t go out to many parties or bars, it’s not common to meet many single people in one week. It may take months to meet the number of people in real life as online. It’s nice to know there are options out there so we don’t end up settling down with the first person that gives us attention. Or after a break up, it’s normal to feel alone but we know we will find someone else as there are many single people out there.
- You don’t have to go to bars and parties. Only a couple decades ago, if you were single and wanted to meet other singles, you had to force yourself to go out to bars and parties even if you hated large groups of people, or you disliked staying up late. Or you could wait around for your friends to set you up with random people. Think of TV shows in the 90s. You had to leave your house and go places and be uncomfortable for hours on end with the hope of meeting someone. That is a lot of hours wasted. Now, you can chat with people while sitting on the couch and a glass of wine. You can set up a date when it works for both of you. You can meet outside in a quiet park or in an art museum or at a cafe. You never have to go to a noisy crowded bar again if you don’t want to!
So now that I have you convinced online dating is worth it, here are some strategies on how to maximize the efficiency and avoid the pitfalls.
6 Tips on Avoiding Online Dating Burnout
- Keep the dates short. This is very important. Do not schedule a 3 hour hike on your first date! If you aren’t connecting or find the other person annoying you are stuck with them for hours on end!! And even more if you get lost.
Keep dates to about an hour and have an excuse to leave if you’re not enjoying yourself. Also, as a woman, don’t allow the guy to spend too much money on you or you may feel like you owe him more time. You don’t owe him anything; this is a first date but it’s not polite to waste anyone’s time or money.
Ideal first dates:
- Meeting for a coffee at a nice cafe.
- Having a drink a bar or pub that is not too loud for conversation. Even better if the pub has a pool table and you enjoy pool. It’s a great game for flirting on a date.
- Walking your dogs together at a park. Even if you don’t connect, your dog will still get some exercise so it won’t feel like a waste of time. If you do connect, you will already have one enjoyable activity to do together.
- If you don’t like coffee, tea or alcohol: suggest getting ice cream at a nice spot downtown. If you don’t connect, you have an excuse to leave once you finish your ice cream!
Bad First Date ideas
- Fancy restaurant (unless of course, you’re looking for a free meal; I don’t recommend this but you do you, girl!). Food will take a while to come. It’s expensive and so you may feel like you owe the guy more time even if you’re not enjoying yourself.
- Hiking/biking/any type of sport or activity not found in a bar. These are fun 3rd, 4th and so on dates if you are both active, but not ideal for a first date as you don’t want to invest too much time in someone you don’t know.
- Any type of all day activity, e.g. festival, concert, amusement park. See reasoning above.
- Going over to his house or your house. Not safe.
- Seeing a movie. There is not enough time to talk and get to know each other. This is a fine second date idea, especially paired with dinner after.
- Know when to leave. If someone looks completely different from their photos, is being flat out rude or is making you uncomfortable, leave right away. You don’t owe them anything and why should you give them your time and energy when they are lying to you from the start?
- Take a week (or a month) off. If you have had an unsuccessful few weeks, take the next week off from online dating. See your friends. Do your hobbies. Read a book. In order to do well in a relationship, you have to be comfortable on your own first. Otherwise you will end up feeling like you’ve lost your individuality and you’ll depend too much on your partner. Make sure you know how to be happy on your own.
You can also try to organize outings with your friends and meet people in person for a change. You might get lucky and meet someone you click with. Since you’ve already been on several with people online, you will have a better understanding of what you’re looking for. Or, you might realize the grass is not greener on the other [meeting in person] side and be ready to go online again.
Then when you’re feeling rejuvenated and ready to meet new people get back on the dating apps.
Do not give up. Online dating is a numbers game so you have to put in the numbers and you will find someone right.
- Treat every date as an opportunity to practice dating. Few people are born naturally good at dating. It takes practice, just like anything else in life. So even if you aren’t connecting with the person you’re currently on a date, don’t think of it as a waste of time but as an opportunity to practice asking questions, answering questions and seeing the reactions.
For example, Maybe you don’t need to tell the story of how you drank a big cup of acid punch at a party once and showed up to work still high the next day. Even if that only happened once 10 years ago. For people that don’t know you, they will assume you’re a crazy partier that doesn’t take her work seriously and also does drugs regularly. Not a great first impression.
Or maybe you spend too much time talking about your work but none of your dates can relate or even understand what the hell you do so they just sit there and nod with a slightly bored look on their face. You might be doing this because you can’t find anything else to talk about so that is why it helps to come prepared.
- Be prepared with a few questions to ask, Conversation starters will help you feel less nervous going into a first date. And you can lean on them in case there are awkward silences.
Examples
- “So did you grow up in [insert name of your city here]?”
- “Do you have any brothers or sisters? What are they like?”
- “What sports do you play? How did you get into that? Do you still play?”
- “How long have you been playing piano [or other instrument] for? Who taught you? Do you still play?”
- “Do you like travelling? Where is the last country you’ve visited? What was your favorite spot there? Where are you planning to travel to next?”
When in doubt, stick to family, hobbies (especially travel, sport) and work. These are great conversation starters.
Avoid these topics at all cost on a first date:
- Politics. Why get into a heated argument on the first date?
- Religion (unless you know you’re both of the same religion)
- Money/finances. Can make you seem like a gold digger.
- Your ex/exes. Can make you seem like you’re not over your ex or that you are comparing all your dates to him or her. (even if you are, don’t make it obvious)
6. Ask them to send you a current photo. After you’ve been chatting with someone for a little while but before you’ve made plans to meet up in person, send them a photo of yourself doing something you enjoy or just you in a funny situation. It could be you on a hike you just finished or you hanging out at home with your cat on your keyboard preventing you from working. It doesn’t really matter what it is. The point is to show them that your photos reflect what you currently look like and to have an excuse to request a current photo of them. If they refuse to send a photo or send a photo that is clearly old or very edited, that is a red flag. They probably look nothing like their photos or are much older than the photos they’ve put up. But now you know, and don’t have to waste your time chatting with them any longer or meeting them in person!